Just realized nearly every interaction I've had with a cop there's been an outstanding warrant for my arrest.

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'PIG NIPPLES' as a term of endearment for a relationship partner.

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Bizarre german porno consisting of a man in a purple zorro cape throat fucking CEO's with an average-sized penis that has a down-facing thumb protrusion at the tip of its dickhead.

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Vintage 'virtual reality' videos are much more satisfying than whatever infomercial-disguised-as-fantasy is currently playing on a cable television channel.

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That shit where the metaphysical you is falling down an unending black pit during casual human interaction.

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What's your favorite Cynthia Rothrock movie.

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Pink July is officially over.  God bless big/curvy/obese women with small/medium/large/asymmetrical breasts and cute/plain/beautiful/questionable faces.  Each--and every!--one of you is just as valuable as an object as any other woman.  It's all soft and pink on the inside.  And, as my pal swears by, y'all suck dick like it's meaningful.  Please remember and be empowered.*

Now back to the aggressive/doomed/alienating/deviant blogging that all four of you frequent weak-signal to read.

*statement does not apply to ex-wives or previous/current meth-addicted neighbors.

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I'll be doing a book signing in skid row next thursday, outside the golden dolphin, 7:30pm.  Make sure to bring your ipad or camera.  There will be a ton of photo opportunities.  Thanks for being a fan.

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I google search my name once every three to six months.  It's not a premeditated thing.  Just something I spontaneously remember to do during times of depression or hopelessness, mostly. Usually, I don't find anything noteworthy.  Sometimes, though, I'll discover a blog page, tweet or whatever mentioning my name.  Almost always, it's a person passive-aggressively shit talking me.  Which always makes me laugh, in a good way.

Today, I found this and feel completely validated in my existence:

The only part that's somewhat insulting is the notion that I can't score superb drugs.  I mean, c'mon, have you seen me?

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Reaching a saturation point where emptiness is the only music worth listening to.

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Reading Sam Pink's ask.fm and feel validated about my initial value judgment regarding fucking morons and their anonymous questions.

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Shout-out to my girlfriend who helps me type out all these blog posts.

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Re-imagining every Steven Seagal movie with him as a midget.

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Brief lapse in hopeless negativity brought on by witnessing something surprisingly beautiful, like a crane bathing its tiny form in the barely moving shit-water of the los angeles river.

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Encourage everyone to watch the Brown vs Lawler fight on Fox tonight.

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Tears are the sexiest lingerie.

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Warm embrace in the time of a prolapsed heart.

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The vanity and vapidity of 21st century culture is artfully displayed in televised crossfit events.

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Always felt a little sad that I was never one of the people in the audience flashing a camera bulb at Jimmy Snooka flying through the air like an alien being with super powers.

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When a fight commentator with no credentials, knowledge or real opinion about the sport s/he's commenting on declares a fighter being 'one of the best'.

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Pick-up line consisting of holding someone down against their will and shaving them bald.

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Thoroughly enjoy when female mma fighter's have cute nicknames like 'jellybean' and 'cheesecake'.

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Stereotype consisting of goofy, sheltered girls who reference the successful/famous musician married to their mother as 'dad'.

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A reality where male frumps exist.

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Insult for a privileged twenty-something that never stops complaining about being crushed by such a hard existence despite a complete void of struggle in their life: I bet you own the entire 'dave's world' series on blu-ray, huh?.

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Ranking system for middle-class dads based on 'chill factor'.

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There's a lot of people in the world today that need to be punched in the face, just once.

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Pick-up line consisting of telling someone 'lady, you sure are beautiful!  let's  leave right now, get married and love each other forever.  But first, I gotta stop by my storage space and defrost the deep freezer.  It won't take long.  Promise.'

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I like how author readings have progressed to bar mitzvahs.

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Choco Taco should be scheduled as a narcotic.

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Visualizing insect mandibles on the faces of most everyone I interact with.

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This is a parable about not being a bitchmade crumb thief.

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Playing marco-polo in an abandoned warehouse that miraculously has working light fixtures with a shotgun and your ex-wife.

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Never knowing and always knowing are near identical perspectives.

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Getting blown and having a dog spontaneously lick the ball of the foot you're dangling off the bed and really enjoying that moment, maybe more than the subsequent ejaculation.

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There's never a roadside manure and/or magic carpet salesman when you  need one.

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13minute avant garde film consisting of a black and white continuous shot of a midget in peril.

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Force feeding someone multiple shots of wheat grass, then throat fucking them until they vomit.

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Mentally screaming PUNCH IT! while passing somebody on the street, then envisioning your fist exploding their face like watermelon and gallagher's mallet.

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No orgasm can trump the feeling gained from manufacturing your first successful hobo stove.

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Yearbook picture consisting of a naked asshole puckering out a near perfect smoke ring.

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Graduating in the year of chilling loneliness and voted 'most likely to be a larger asshole than s/he currently is.'

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Feelings as achievements.

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Only you can hate yourself more than you.

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I'm a sucker for a sugarbird with a bob cut and a choker necklace  For the past 2 months, been trying to find a thick gal for pink july who meets that criteria and have failed.  If you know of any pics or would like to model, email me at jdean33442@gmail.com.

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Life like a sleep-deprived midget running a marathon through the streets of a walmart parking lot.

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Becoming a millionaire by selling signs for the home that say WARNING! BITCH DOG.

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The sudden, alienating guffaw that proceeds a salesperson's smarmy declaration of 'this >OBJECT< is our most popular.'

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A person soliciting an opinion is almost certainly motivated by ambiguity and lacks any genuine desire for understanding.

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Forums are always fun to read.

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Reality show called 'the dumbest, most unworthwhile whore in the world' starring you.

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First date consisting of us inhaling whippets while watching episodes of THE WIZARD.

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Overhead shot of a naked baby sleeping in a spoon that's being cooked by a lighter.

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Depression like tetris blocks falling from the sky and stacking on top of your skull.

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Superpower where you feel like crying all the time but lack the energy to do it.

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Just kidding about all that negative stuff i've said since birth.  I love everything.  Seriously.  Hope to see everyone at the next coachella festival.

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Banal white girls self-aggrandizing as bizarre/unique/quirky and their obnoxious love for DFW and David Lynch.

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Pick-up line consisting of telling someone they have 'the face of a dead prostitute.'

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Metaphysical fist bump to baby j who's currently gut stabbing an older lady.

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Pick-up line consisting of me dressing in a top hat and cape, driving a rolls royce next to you, rolling the window down, staring directly at your ass, then saying, excuse me, majestic beast, might you have any grey poupon?

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Any product promoted outside of a grocery store isn't worth acknowledging.

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Got ambushed while entering a grocery store by a skinny white man hustling 'solar power for the home', who, after hearing me say 'i believe in electricity' jumped on a powered tricycle scooter and did cookies around the parking lot.

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There's a picture on some generic hipster's instagram of me sitting outside a cafe at 2am while gesturing a thumb's down and it's the most earnest displeasure I've ever offered to the world.

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I fucking abhor puns.

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Life is a constant state of war and cartoons.

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yeah, like that.

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That unethical nonsense when society blames anyone but the celebrity/person of prominence for dying from a drug overdose while shit taking a poor/average person under the same circumstance as if the world is a better place without their scum existence.

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Feeling so doomed that a laugh track is perpetually playing inside your mind.

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I can't comprehend a reality where people exist as complete cunts without fear or consequence.

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Bringing a snorkel to a funeral.

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Pick-up line consisting of me turning to you and saying, I can handle your generic love.

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Trapped in a dream within a dream like queef in a cum bubble.

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Modified sub-machine gun that spits white hot thumb tacks instead of bullets.

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Google image searching fan reactions to brazil's loss today has greatly levitated my mood.

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Any person featured in 'people magazine' isn't an actual human being.

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A generation where black wiggers exist.

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Roller coaster that's only a 5-minute incline.

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Hurt and astonished facial expression people make after hearing you answer "I don't celebrate holidays."

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What's your favorite manic hispanic song?

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If your parents are poor immigrants from a war torn country, there's an hundred percent chance I'll enjoy their company (and cooking).

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Feel like a belgian waffle has more backbone than 95% of the people I encounter in life.

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Pussy that smells like graham crackers but resembles chicken fried steak.

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America, you're gross.

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Comfort in knowing people will no longer be burdened after you're dead by the lies and secrets they've kept from you.

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People who make celebrity death videos on youtube.

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Aspect of your personality that's similar to driving a steamroller over a field of ladybugs and daisies.

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Snack-Pack consisting of pubic hairs drenched in corn syrup and tears.

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A phrase that reoccurs in my mind frequently is "they're just going to laugh at you."

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Unexpectedly drawing a scented bubble bath with lit candles crowning the tub for your relationship partner, and as the hot water melts away the stress of their day, litter the floor with homemade caltrops fashioned from industrial staples, then when s/he gets out and is wet, naked and screaming, softly repeat the phrase 'baby, i love you.'

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Coffee table book where every page is a close-up picture of a fist making a 'thumbs down' in front of various tourist destination backgrounds.

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The trapped emptiness felt at the bottom of a pool when you're pretending to be a floating corpse, just all the time.

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"I apologize for talking." will be the name of my deathbed autobiography, with a foreword from my anus.

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Strong urge to shatter your fist against a cinder block wall while simultaneously wishing that wall is your face.

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Shout out to the big boss, loneliness.

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Nobody asked me anything on my ask.fm account so I answered some questions I made up.

Feel bad talking about myself at such length.  Won't happen again for a long time.

Ask.fm is for mouth breathers, fans of beyonce and 12-year-old girls.  I'll be closing my account very soon.

Now back to 'pink july'.

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People have this notion of what beauty/comeliness is that's just a bad regurgitation of a marketing campaign.  Like, if you don't match a stereotype than you're ugly.  And if you acknowledge your affinity for anything other than that dictated stereotype, you're ridiculed, as if what you're compelled towards makes you a shitty human being simply because the person judging you is too dumb to think.

Anyways, for the next month, this blog will be celebrating 'pink july.'  All women are beautiful (except my ex-wife).  Enjoy:







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Told a woman today she was a 'stupid fucking bitch' then stormed off to cope with the strong urge to beat her with her own baby.

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Shout out and big love to my little brother who's currently living on the floor of a gym and 'alone' for the first time in his life.

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A moment of love for part of the thumbs down crew.  His genuine heart was a lighthouse calling out to vessels lost at sea.  And by sea, I mean an ocean of pure shit.


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Smart phone app that directs a person to the nearest pool of quicksand.

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All my heroes are dead kgb operatives.

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