Wearing 'uggs' is like having an invisible megaphone screaming out 'unkempt pussy.'
An effective way to alienate another male is by flirting with him and meaning it.
When I die, throw my corpse in the nearest trash can and spend the funeral money on roulette, bubbles, and acts of sexual deviance.
Progressing towards a point in culture where there's a complete loss of awareness for the delineation between abstract posturing and concrete consequence.
Long and complicated fantasies of destroying the sun with your hands.
New level of hopelessness reached after walking into a 'walgreen's' on thanksgiving day and witnessing people meandering throughout the store without any direction or purpose, just mouth breathing and almost shopping.
Much love to the children out there enduring horrific monsters with faces much like their own while everyone else celebrates gratitude for a life of unlabored breaths.
Wave of exhaustion that follows a moment of confusion after hearing a faint screaming and not feeling confident it originated outside of your mind.
There's nothing in my heart but space.
Scumbag crossroads when two bikini-clad 15-year-old girls--one asian, one white--chat you up and emit a strong 'threesome' vibe.
People asserting life as a 'journey' while their greatest tribulation to date was overcoming the horrid taste of a pumpkin spice latte without nutmeg sprinkles.
Time of year when people become overwhelmingly excited about arcane foods and gratuitous mall visits while I'm at home persuading myself to believe that organ failure isn't so horrible.
Props to the pervert that found this blog by searching 'witheredpussy', which I read in the cigarette-ruined, whispering voice from the game show 'password.'
People who quote Nietzsche but haven't read any of his books.
A steel collar and ballerina shoes; nothing else.
An efficient way to alienate people is wearing mirror-coated sunglasses and staying reticent.
People who believe they're the 'sum total' of the relationships they keep.
Increasing trend for effeminate, chubby males to discuss 'relationships' in a hyper, rapid fire tempo with a female confidant while dining in public.
Alternate reality where I can purchase/eat healthy food without crossing over into a bizarre world of trust fund hippies, faux spirituality, healing pyramids, mystical salts and unfashionable hats.
Geraldo-style expose on why lesbians look so much older than their age.
Attending a live sporting event to reaffirm your misanthropy and desire for a catastrophic end to human beings.
People who use the phrase 'dear friend' to describe another human being.
People who've taken public transportation once and reflect on the experience as the most dangerous event of their life.
Porno movie consisting of a naked ballerina dancing in the palm of my hand.
Alternate reality where 'hot pockets' are filled with marinara sauce and the depressive thoughts of alienated girls.
Watching the spinning tires of a passing semi-truck and thinking, 'seems restful there.'
Waking from a nap with an intense desire to cum on a woman's endearing face.
Children's book named 'everything sucks, then you're not alive anymore' consisting of a single illustration depicting the sun setting behind an unmoving ocean; with a dedication to untied shoelaces.
Watched a grapefruit-sized full moon rise over the la river tonight and it was more beautiful than any face I've seen.
In 2007, I was on unemployment, hadn't taken a hot shower in over a year, temporarily quit opiates and felt hopeless. I bought books from internet authors and gave them away because I believed in the power of words to keep a human alive during bleak and agonizing circumstances.
It's almost 2015, now I receive a government stipend of a different nature and battle with hopelessness. I still believe in the power of words; but not all words.
If being alive feels like running a marathon in death valley with a knife wound in your back,
if the voice in your head is your only friend, worst enemy and part-time lover,
if you have a deep understanding/appreciation of spiders and an intense distrust of human beings,
then, hey, alienated shithead, this post is for you!
I'm buying 3 copies of 'the collected suicide notes of sam pink' and gifting them to doomed creatures. All I ask in return is a show of effort. Email me a pic of you making a 'thumbs down.' There are no other modifiers. Just that. And if you don't have access to a camera or are too stricken with anxiety/depression/self-deprecation/dope sickness/whatever to take a pic, then let me know in an email.
I'll do my best to honor any international addresses, however, if shipping is insane I may rescind my pledge.
Here's an example of a 'thumbs down':
Want to make it clear, if you don't meet the guidelines stated above, but send me an email, I recognize that you recognize you're a selfish, worthless cunt. And when death comes you'll finally know your entire existence as a shit weasel failed to prepare you for what we're all heading towards, which is when you'll understand genuine terror and loneliness.
I earnestly hope anyone participating and not adhering to the guidelines is stricken with brain cancer and departs this world in severe confusion and pain.
Dear Something of an Unknown Name,
Could you please use your cosmic magic to intersect my life with a twenty-something (or two) that'll help me feel less hopeless about our shared existence. This isn't entirely about me. Like, it doesn't even have to be direct contact. Just could use a hint if I should cash in or keep fighting to breathe.
The dramatic guy who's never asked for anything until now.
Act of humiliation consisting of suspending a naked body from the ceiling of a room lined with mirrors, then playing a looping laugh track.
Show me the death star of your heart.
Game show called 'who's whine is it anyways?' where 5 twenty-somethings improvise passive-aggressive complaints chosen by audience members and assigned point values based on 'pissy-ness', 'manipulative forte' and 'poor me factor', the winner being awarded with a $5 napster gift card and any title from an alt lit author.