Those days when you wake up feeling hopeless and the stench of your armpit provides enough comfort to motivate you out of bed.

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Redefined low point after witnessing a conversation in an american apparel between three 'men' regarding the varying snugness of extra small and small underwear, followed by one man asking if the underwear could be 'held' until tomorrow when he'd have the money to purchase them.

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Sam Pink's blog is like a really long tuba solo.

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Fox hit television show called 'shitheads with opinions.'

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People who think geico commercials are humorous/amusing/cute.

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The next junior narcissist to blurt out their age as if it's a truly amazing accomplishment is getting soccer kicked in their dumb toddler face.

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Erectile dysfunction caused by the greased lips of a woman eating a mcrib.

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Coming to understand that if a woman doesn't flagrantly say 'let's fuck' i'll never know she's hitting on me.

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People who flail their arms and scream when a honey bee flys by because they saw someone else react that way, once.

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In the 21st century, nobody wants to invest more than .3 seconds into anything other than ego satiation.

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The myth of college education.

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Strong urge to make an indie porn of a female version of the three stooges.

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Dream in which you're knife fighting with a blade that won't cut; but stay resolved and continue hacking away.

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Rich kids named 'waylon.'

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The constant feeling of falling backwards while watching balloons float skywards.

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Interrogation as flirtation.

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Strong urge to bury a naked woman in piss-soaked tortillas.

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Erectile dysfunction caused by a woman using the term 'delish.'

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An aggressive twitch as a form of greeting.

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'Weekend at Bernies' remake called 'Weekend at Roggenbuck's' starring steve roggenbuck as bernie, stephen tully dierks as larry, tao lin as richard, and hieko julian as kid with the pail and shovel.

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Government mandated reading of all your dumb tweets at your funeral so everyone can see just how shameful of a trite existence you lived.

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Alternate reality where people participating in a conga line are immediately euthanized by robots in a very violent, disturbing way.

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A 9-year-old girl is on the fast track to being a horrible turd when she's already wearing riding boots and aviator sunglasses at the super market.

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Alternate reality where a law exists preventing doctors from prescribing adderall to fucking morons.

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Current trend of young males styling their hair as if they're some sort of scottish warrior despite the fact that their biggest fight in life was whining to mommy for a new meaningless object they didn't need and most likely  never used.

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That buttershit feeling that happens when a woman with a heavy accent says, 'mister <your first name >'.

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'Mister America' pageant where ceo's of fortune 500 corporations are judged for competency in four categories: speedo competition, evasive tax maneuvering, business acumen on the golf course and 'how I plan to enslave human beings while creatively destroying the earth' speech making.

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Alienating people by honestly talking about past traumas in the same tone as describing the last bowl of cereal you ate.

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Being determined to die during sex.

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The joy of au gratin.

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People who think an appropriate way of responding to an earnest compliment is by rapid firing back a disingenuous compliment.

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The immense power that comes from walking in the rain unafraid.

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Trend of affluent people to dress as if they're indigenous to nature while never living outside of 70+, central-air-conditioned man-made buildings.

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People who've never spent the night on the floor/ground without a blanket and think they're prepared for what death's bringing to the party.

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Men are only beautiful when covered in their own blood.

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Living life like you're trying to earn death.

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Surviving winter by the warmth of another's mouth breath.

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The bullshit myth that teachers have a 'hard' job.

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When someone name drops during a casual conversation, then pauses to afford your impressed reaction; and you're just staring at the person like a rottweiler watching a squirrel on a power line.

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Your secret admirer; death.

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Calming warmth while walking with your cat and seeing him check sewage drains like a homeless man searching for quarters in a payphone.

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Girls that look like nosferatu with a pussy--call me.

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Alternate reality where 80 degree weather kills off a portion of the upper-middle class.

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Listening to the faint dreams of imprisoned men.

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'Telling the ones you love that they're the ones you hate: a memoir.'

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If you think I give a shit; wrong, ya dummy.

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People go from one fad to the next like a shit covered tumbleweed, not investing any genuine effort, just momentum and track marks.

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'Beast Shit' as a pet name.

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Contrary to the nineties, Kim Bassinger was never attractive.

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Personality trumps fat tits.

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It's 95 degrees today and I'm compelled to murder your dumb smile.

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Being subjected to television programming while patronizing a business and reaffirming your intense hatred for all mankind.

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The unsolved mystery of why soap and detergent are scented.

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The Council of Thumbs

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Each time I hear a loud explosion from a firework I immediately envision a bent over ass absorbing the blunt force trauma of a wood paddle.

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Congratulations, you've made it to another year while living in the most codified culture on the entire globe!  Absolutely an accomplishment worthy of celebration.

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Women are attracted to the dumbest of shit.

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PBS-style documentary about just where the fuck all the discarded desert buckets go.

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Motto of the 21st century american housewife: 'spend money and complain.'

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Much love to all the loners feeling an extra level of sadness due to the herd's expectations.  Try to remember, it's just another day but with better traffic.

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Dying words, 'but there's no plastic here...'

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Saving yourself from an asylum/prison by walking with your head down and avoiding the innumerable moronic ads choking the air.

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When are you simpletons going to learn from previous iterations of the same farce.

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Some people really take it to heart when you tell them, 'i'm gonna slash your fucking tires for playing christmas music.'

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Black 33; my only friend.

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Second generation american immigrants who think of their less advantaged relatives/culture as a negative.

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Esoteric fetish consisting of watching a french girl with a bob cut say the word, 'gooey.'

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Having the misfortune of visiting a mall 2 days before christmas and witnessing the majority of people shopping for themselves.

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Watching blood drip out of your son's nose and feeling slightly less doomed about existence.

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Recently had a conversation with a mentally 'handicapped' kid at the laundromat about the absurdity of days and it was more gratifying than any bullshit small talk a stranger has burdened me with, then we played with his big show, triple h, stone cold steve austin and armless sean michaels dolls.

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Genuinely would like to hear the thoughts of a person as they pose for a selfie in front of the weekly movie poster listings of a theater.

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Much love to the alienated, antisocial people in this world who are too jaded by self-hatred to realize their individuality is more worthwhile than a metal claw strapped on an amputee's nub.

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The easiest way to make a girl cry is by damaging her hair.

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Act of humiliation consisting of buying someone an insanely terrible christmas/birthday gift knowing that they'll have to make eye contact with the cashier when they return it.

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New national anthem consisting of freeing the hands of any shopping bags, holding a smart phone over the heart, and mouth breathing for 195 seconds.

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Gratifying pastime of walking in to an american apparel and saying confusing, demeaning and/or sarcastic things to the employees, then watching their internal battle to respond without emoting.

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Living life like a terracotta cyborg.

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Slow-rising panic over bullshit not being made as well as it used to be.

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Time  machine that allows culture to go back to a point where educational programming wasn't cgi cartoons narrated in condescending babyspeak.

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Posthumous poetry collection called, 'night breakfast and other manifestations of existential anguish and shameless hunger.'

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Neck tattoo that says, 'bad at socializing'.

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Urge to befriend people living pathetically soft lives who preach cosmic spirituality/self-serving kindness because it'll be gratifying to witness them unravel like an exploding m80 in the hands of a mildly retarded child when a tiny hardship does happen.

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Doctors are the andy kaufman of the health care system.

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Wearing 'uggs' is like having an invisible megaphone screaming out 'unkempt pussy.'

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'Easy Money' is a beautiful masterpiece.

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