When a fight commentator with no credentials, knowledge or real opinion about the sport s/he's commenting on declares a fighter being 'one of the best'.
Pick-up line consisting of holding someone down against their will and shaving them bald.
Thoroughly enjoy when female mma fighter's have cute nicknames like 'jellybean' and 'cheesecake'.
Stereotype consisting of goofy, sheltered girls who reference the successful/famous musician married to their mother as 'dad'.
A reality where male frumps exist.
Insult for a privileged twenty-something that never stops complaining about being crushed by such a hard existence despite a complete void of struggle in their life: I bet you own the entire 'dave's world' series on blu-ray, huh?.
Ranking system for middle-class dads based on 'chill factor'.
There's a lot of people in the world today that need to be punched in the face, just once.
Pick-up line consisting of telling someone 'lady, you sure are beautiful! let's leave right now, get married and love each other forever. But first, I gotta stop by my storage space and defrost the deep freezer. It won't take long. Promise.'
I like how author readings have progressed to bar mitzvahs.
Visualizing insect mandibles on the faces of most everyone I interact with.
This is a parable about not being a bitchmade crumb thief.
Playing marco-polo in an abandoned warehouse that miraculously has working light fixtures with a shotgun and your ex-wife.
Never knowing and always knowing are near identical perspectives.
Getting blown and having a dog spontaneously lick the ball of the foot you're dangling off the bed and really enjoying that moment, maybe more than the subsequent ejaculation.
There's never a roadside manure and/or magic carpet salesman when you need one.
13minute avant garde film consisting of a black and white continuous shot of a midget in peril.
Force feeding someone multiple shots of wheat grass, then throat fucking them until they vomit.
Mentally screaming PUNCH IT! while passing somebody on the street, then envisioning your fist exploding their face like watermelon and gallagher's mallet.
No orgasm can trump the feeling gained from manufacturing your first successful hobo stove.
Yearbook picture consisting of a naked asshole puckering out a near perfect smoke ring.
Graduating in the year of chilling loneliness and voted 'most likely to be a larger asshole than s/he currently is.'
Feelings as achievements.
Only you can hate yourself more than you.
I'm a sucker for a sugarbird with a bob cut and a choker necklace For the past 2 months, been trying to find a thick gal for pink july who meets that criteria and have failed. If you know of any pics or would like to model, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Life like a sleep-deprived midget running a marathon through the streets of a walmart parking lot.
Becoming a millionaire by selling signs for the home that say WARNING! BITCH DOG.
The sudden, alienating guffaw that proceeds a salesperson's smarmy declaration of 'this >OBJECT< is our most popular.'
A person soliciting an opinion is almost certainly motivated by ambiguity and lacks any genuine desire for understanding.
First date consisting of us inhaling whippets while watching episodes of THE WIZARD.
Overhead shot of a naked baby sleeping in a spoon that's being cooked by a lighter.
Depression like tetris blocks falling from the sky and stacking on top of your skull.
Just kidding about all that negative stuff i've said since birth. I love everything. Seriously. Hope to see everyone at the next coachella festival.
Banal white girls self-aggrandizing as bizarre/unique/quirky and their obnoxious love for DFW and David Lynch.
Pick-up line consisting of telling someone they have 'the face of a dead prostitute.'
Metaphysical fist bump to baby j who's currently gut stabbing an older lady.
Pick-up line consisting of me dressing in a top hat and cape, driving a rolls royce next to you, rolling the window down, staring directly at your ass, then saying, excuse me, majestic beast, might you have any grey poupon?
Any product promoted outside of a grocery store isn't worth acknowledging.
Got ambushed while entering a grocery store by a skinny white man hustling 'solar power for the home', who, after hearing me say 'i believe in electricity' jumped on a powered tricycle scooter and did cookies around the parking lot.
There's a picture on some generic hipster's instagram of me sitting outside a cafe at 2am while gesturing a thumb's down and it's the most earnest displeasure I've ever offered to the world.
I fucking abhor puns.
That unethical nonsense when society blames anyone but the celebrity/person of prominence for dying from a drug overdose while shit taking a poor/average person under the same circumstance as if the world is a better place without their scum existence.
Feeling so doomed that a laugh track is perpetually playing inside your mind.
I can't comprehend a reality where people exist as complete cunts without fear or consequence.
Trapped in a dream within a dream like queef in a cum bubble.
Modified sub-machine gun that spits white hot thumb tacks instead of bullets.
Google image searching fan reactions to brazil's loss today has greatly levitated my mood.
Any person featured in 'people magazine' isn't an actual human being.
A generation where black wiggers exist.
Roller coaster that's only a 5-minute incline.
Hurt and astonished facial expression people make after hearing you answer "I don't celebrate holidays."
What's your favorite manic hispanic song?
If your parents are poor immigrants from a war torn country, there's an hundred percent chance I'll enjoy their company (and cooking).
America, you're gross.
Comfort in knowing people will no longer be burdened after you're dead by the lies and secrets they've kept from you.
People who make celebrity death videos on youtube.
Aspect of your personality that's similar to driving a steamroller over a field of ladybugs and daisies.
Snack-Pack consisting of pubic hairs drenched in corn syrup and tears.
A phrase that reoccurs in my mind frequently is "they're just going to laugh at you."
Unexpectedly drawing a scented bubble bath with lit candles crowning the tub for your relationship partner, and as the hot water melts away the stress of their day, litter the floor with homemade caltrops fashioned from industrial staples, then when s/he gets out and is wet, naked and screaming, softly repeat the phrase 'baby, i love you.'
Coffee table book where every page is a close-up picture of a fist making a 'thumbs down' in front of various tourist destination backgrounds.
The trapped emptiness felt at the bottom of a pool when you're pretending to be a floating corpse, just all the time.
"I apologize for talking." will be the name of my deathbed autobiography, with a foreword from my anus.
Strong urge to shatter your fist against a cinder block wall while simultaneously wishing that wall is your face.
Shout out to the big boss, loneliness.
Nobody asked me anything on my ask.fm account so I answered some questions I made up.
Feel bad talking about myself at such length. Won't happen again for a long time.
Ask.fm is for mouth breathers, fans of beyonce and 12-year-old girls. I'll be closing my account very soon.
Now back to 'pink july'.
People have this notion of what beauty/comeliness is that's just a bad regurgitation of a marketing campaign. Like, if you don't match a stereotype than you're ugly. And if you acknowledge your affinity for anything other than that dictated stereotype, you're ridiculed, as if what you're compelled towards makes you a shitty human being simply because the person judging you is too dumb to think.
Anyways, for the next month, this blog will be celebrating 'pink july.' All women are beautiful (except my ex-wife). Enjoy:
Shout out and big love to my little brother who's currently living on the floor of a gym and 'alone' for the first time in his life.
A moment of love for part of the thumbs down crew. His genuine heart was a lighthouse calling out to vessels lost at sea. And by sea, I mean an ocean of pure shit.
Intuitively knowing any small break from agony is followed by greater agony but having the courage to enjoy what you can and endure the rest.
Spirit animal that's a cavity in the mouth of a snoring dragon.
Earnest wish that any person in an automobile throwing objects at someone walking has their head crushed by a falling anchor.
Get rich scheme where I sell mirror-lined coffins to baby-boomer swingers.
Surrounding yourself with similar people is like wearing your face as a mask to obscure a herpes outbreak.
Porno movie consisting of attaching ankle weights on a tall woman then submerging her in an 7-foot glass tank filled with maraschino cherry juice.
Tshirt that says "Marriage Isn't Dumb" and only worn at weddings..
Choo-choo train of loneliness jumping tracks and tumbling down a cliff of subservient desire.
Business lunch consisting of listening to AM sports radio while unenthusiastically blowing a bald, married guy in a datsun parked behind the neighborhood denny's.
High-level drug shit where coating a ball of black tar heroin with cocaine and sandwiching it between two xanax bars is called 'eaten s'mores.'
Fantasy where I'm standing defiantly on the corner of Hollywood and Western with a small towel tied around my waist and single-handing a pitchfork, just staring at motherfuckers, wishin' they would.
Never trust a person who has left-over gravy in their fridge.
Alternate reality where 80+ degree temperatures aren't 'beanie weather.'
The only food a man should eat whip cream off of is nipples or pussy.
Unimaginative shit suckers all naming their publishing effort '<"insert something dumb here">
Staring at the sun with laughter until your ears bleed is one way to cope with life.
Love is a rainbow garroting the sky (or something like that).
Snocone flavored with the tears of your broken hearted ex-lovers and eaten slowly during a july rain.
Seeing a woman who's aesthetic is clearly 'stereotypical bull lesbian' then thinking, oh, yeah, I forgot those exist.
'Numbskull' as a term of endearment for your relationship partner.
An aspect of modern living that isn't talked about much is 'vintage loneliness'.
Epiphany and subsequent reoccurring nightmare that in 60-100 years a global culture will exist and corporate marketing campaigns are going to dictate all our personalities.