That magical day of the year when someone gets shot on hollywood blvd.

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In 2007, I was on unemployment, hadn't taken a hot shower in over a year, temporarily quit opiates and felt hopeless.  I bought books from internet authors and gave them away because I believed in the power of words to keep a human alive during bleak and agonizing circumstances.

It's almost 2015, now I receive a government stipend of a different nature and battle with hopelessness.  I still believe in the power of words; but not all words.

If being alive feels like running a marathon in death valley with a knife wound in your back,

or,

if the voice in your head is your only friend, worst enemy and part-time lover,

or,

 if you have a deep understanding/appreciation of spiders and an intense distrust of human beings,

then, hey, alienated shithead, this post is for you!

I'm buying 3 copies of 'the collected suicide notes of sam pink' and gifting them to doomed creatures.  All I ask in return is a show of effort.  Email me a pic of you making a 'thumbs down.'  There are no other modifiers.  Just that.  And if you don't have access to a camera or are too stricken with anxiety/depression/self-deprecation/dope sickness/whatever to take a pic, then let me know in an email.

I'll do my best to honor any international addresses, however, if shipping is insane I may rescind my pledge.

Here's an example of a 'thumbs down':


Want to make it clear, if you don't meet the guidelines stated above, but send me an email, I recognize that you recognize you're a selfish, worthless cunt.  And when death comes you'll finally know your entire existence as a shit weasel failed to prepare you for what we're all heading towards, which is when you'll understand genuine terror and loneliness.

I earnestly hope anyone participating and not adhering to the guidelines is stricken with brain cancer and departs this world in severe confusion and pain.

-jdean33442@gmail.com

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Dear Something of an Unknown Name,

Could you please use your cosmic magic to intersect my life with a twenty-something (or two) that'll help me feel less hopeless about our shared existence.   This isn't entirely about me.  Like, it doesn't even have to be direct contact.  Just could use a hint if I should cash in or keep fighting to breathe.

Respectfully,

The dramatic guy who's never asked for anything until now.

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Act of humiliation consisting of suspending a naked body from the ceiling of a room lined with mirrors, then playing a looping laugh track.

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Show me the death star of your heart.

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Alternate reality where flowers grow out of toilet bowls.

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Game show called 'who's whine is it anyways?' where 5 twenty-somethings improvise passive-aggressive complaints chosen by audience members and assigned point values based on 'pissy-ness', 'manipulative forte' and 'poor me factor', the winner being awarded with a $5 napster gift card and any title from an alt lit author.

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I don't get 'audrey hepburn.'

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If you describe yourself as a nerd, you're not; fuck you.

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Forum post consisting of a girl writing a 3-paragraph 'confession' about her intense embarrassment for liking something as if it's the worst, most perverse insane shit in the world, then admitting 'fat guys' are attractive and apologizing to nobody/society for being 'weird.'

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Unsure if my armpits smelling like a chuck e. cheese ball pit is a powerful aphrodisiac or not.  Guess it depends on the age of the girl.

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Big love for the poor-ass motherfuckers out there who grew up eating tuna helper like it's grilled lobster.

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Labia has the consistency of grapefruit flesh.

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I will be shutting down my ask.fm once I've answered a thousand questions or two weeks pass without a question worth answering, whichever comes first.

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Exploitation movie consisting of a group of kidnapped CEO's set free on a deserted island and hunted down by a machete-wielding black grandmother named 'pammy.'

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Moment of confusion where I'm unable to gauge if my hand is still stroking beard or has reached chest hair.

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Depression like watching a youtube video of a bottle rocket propelling in slow-motion towards your face.

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Feeling accomplished when realizing it isn't onion rings, but armpit.

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Dance in your cotton panties to this:


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Randomly averting your eyes to a window and thinking, 'almost not here.'

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Feel like the best time for voyeuristic opportunity is from 1am-3am, 6am-7am and 6pm-8pm.

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Neglect is the best form of parenting to raise free-thinking individuals.  I mean, if the children don't die before reaching adulthood it is.

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Blowing an older man in the front seat of a bmw and later lightly kissing your mother's lips to quietly assert that haggard bitch's time is over.

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The phrase 'smug retard' flashes in my mind often while observing people in their early twenties.

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Some stuff you gotta just believe in existing, like wild rose bushes and loving mothers.

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'You get so angry at times that it just makes sense.'

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Sitting alone in a diner and quietly staring at your open hands while hearing laura branigan's 'self control' play loudly inside your mind.

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Never having a voice vs having a voice that's censored/taken away.

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Well, it appears I will no longer be posting at htmlgiant again (haha).

Seems like a genuine achievement to be the first contributor to be banned and the first contributor to be re-banned.

People are so afraid of such small things; it's terrifying.

Revise, revise, revise and enjoy your fear, y'all.

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Smarmy lamedicks who refer to themselves as 'yours truly.'

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Crumb, all too crumb.

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Compiled all the 'pick-up lines' I wrote into one post.  Or at least I think I wrangled them all up.

Most likely won't do any more.  Feel like i'm gonna die in the near future anyways.  Moods fluctuate though.

 *****

PICK-UP LINES FOR SAD-FACED, PERVERTED GIRLS OR THE OCCASIONAL HORNY GRANDMA.

Pick-up line where I sneak up while you're asleep and pour rubbing alcohol in your asshole.

Pick-up line consisting of saying, 'there's some really interesting women in the world but you're not one of them.'

Pick-up line consisting of serenading someone with an acoustic guitar after pushing them down a flight of stairs.

Pick-up line where I walk up from behind as you're applying make-up in a mirror, then wrap my hands around your neck and squeeze so both of us can watch you go unconscious.

Pick-up line consisting of dropping your jaw and saying, 'jesus... you have the tits of an obese woman.'

Pick-up line consisting of saying, 'what the fuck do you know bout that big kanaka.'

Pick-up line consisting of not showering for a week, then pressing my ballsack on your sleeping forehead and gingerly shimmying hips side to side.

Pick-up line consisting of posting a piece of paper in a parking garage that says 'panties found.  please call (phone number)'.

Pick-up line consisting of asking 'so, which parent do you live with?'

Pick-up line consisting of murdering someone in the vacant parking lot behind their eyes.

Pick-up line consisting of saying, 'you need to be used like a butter dish.'

Pick-up line consisting of rubbing your chest with a hand while silently staring at someone like you're getting ready to methodically dig each of their organs out with a dull butcher's knife.

Pick-up line consisting of a disapproving half-smirk, lightly shaking the head 'no', then saying, 'I don't like you.'

Pick-up line consisting of handing someone a box of kleenex and saying, 'hey, hi, you're gonna need these.'

Pick-up line consisting of intensely staring at someone, then pointing a thumb at their face and saying, 'I got a guy in beverly hills who can fix that.'

Pick-up line consisting of making an 'okay' sign with a hand and pointing the index finger of the other hand very close to a woman's pussy, then exclaiming in a terrible italian-american accent, 'now, that's a spicy meatball!'

Pick-up line consisting of turning to a woman sitting alone and asking, 'hey, lady, do spiders poop?'

Pick-up line where you write 'deserving' with mauve lipstick across your breasts then kneel behind an alley dumpster.

Pick-up line consisting of holding someone down against their will and shaving them bald.

Pick-up line consisting of telling someone 'lady, you sure are beautiful!  let's  leave right now, get married and love each other forever.  But first, I gotta stop by my storage space and defrost the deep freezer.  It won't take long.  Promise.'

Pick-up line consisting of telling someone they have 'the face of a dead prostitute.'

Pick-up line consisting of dressing in a top hat and cape, driving a rolls royce next to a woman, rolling the window down, staring directly at their ass, pausing, then saying, 'excuse me, majestic beast, might you have any grey poupon?'

Pick-up line consisting of turning towards a passing stranger and saying, 'I can handle your generic love.'

Pick-up line consisting of saying, 'I just want to make you sad.'

Pick-up line consisting of casually announcing to an elderly woman, 'I'd love to face fuck you with a dull knife.'

Pick-up line consisting of 'hi-ya' kicking the car keys from someone's hand, then performing a double-bicep flex while making a constipation face.

Pick-up line where I watch you suck my dick behind a dumpster at In-N-Out.

Pick-up line consisting of aggressively squeezing a pair of tits with both hands, then shaking your head slowly and muttering, 'they just don't make these things like they used to.'

Pick-up line consisting of sitting next to someone at Planned Parenthood, then turning to them and saying, 'your face is cute enough for brute force trauma.'

Pick-up line consisting of pushing you off a bridge, then playfully waving goodbye to your startled facial expression.

Pick-up line where I unbuckle my belt while telling you to just keep crying.

Pick-up line where I push you under the redline during rush hour so every dickhead working a soul crushing nine-to-five job can have something new to talk about on facebook.

Pick-up line where I ask your astronomical sign then blast you in the face with a cup of soiled kitty litter.

Pick-up line where I hand you a drawn treasure map leading to the city morgue.

Pick-up line where I fondle your breast without asking while putting my lips near your ear and whispering, 'don't you want me to like you.'

Pick-up line consisting of wandering a Cemetery while wearing a tshirt that says 'I WANT TO PISS ON YOUR SAD LITTLE FACE.'

Pick-up line where I leave a note on your corpse that says 'CALL ME.'

Pick-up line where I throw a severed penis at your face while you're contemplating the perfect sauce combination for a 50pc mcnugget.

Pick-up line consisting of holding a woman in place by palming the back of her skull into a wall, then sliding a free hand under the elastic waistband of their mom jeans and roughly fingerfucking for the next 45minutes.

Pick-up line consisting of smoking cigarettes by the door of an Alcoholic's Anonymous meeting while wearing a t-shirt that says 'I'M THE DADDY YOU ARE LOOKING FOR.'

Pick-up line where I point at the ground, then uppercut your face as you look down.

Pick-up line where I shake my head "no," then walk away.

Pick-up line consisting of saying, 'hey, hey, girl, you got a body that belongs in a coffin.'

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The tireless search for the mythical beast, 'snatchquatch.'

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Omg, are y'all as excited as I am for all these new fall shows on the cable tv!

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A t-rex day dreaming about face fucking an octopus.

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That shit where people are melodramatically complaining about problems with no genuine consequences while you're standing there, holding everything in like an anvil inside your heart, quietly dying and maintaining a tiny smile.

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That shit where it's you vs you and nobody will ever fully understand the magnitude of the fight.

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The woozy nausea that proceeds after entering a public space populated by people, like eating a rancid poptart at the beach.

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Don't let the little boys fool you, all women are objectively valuable.

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Moment of clarity when swimming underwater in a pool and the aroma of your armpits is felt so strongly that it neurologically manifests itself as a scent.

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People who write/publish essays with the intention of being liked.

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Gotta hand it to martin short, dude just kept at his idiotic, unfunny style of comedy until culture degraded to the point where it's now perceived as humorous.

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His character Cha-Ka for the 70's TV series, Land of the Lost (1974), has become a cult icon. Many people do not know what Philip looks like without his Pacuni outfit -- but that's what adds to much of his mystique and charm. There have been many women over the years claiming to date him and know him in his post Cha-Ka hey-day, but none of them can produce any proof. Just what does Philip Paley look like? Many wonder, but Phillip did appear in one episode without a costume. Phillip went to a Jr. High School in Reseda, California.

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Pick-up line consisting of serenading someone with an acoustic guitar as they fall down a flight of stairs.

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Just want to vocalize an aspect of my personality, which is that I have a deep loathing for most everyone.  So, if, like, you get offended by my opinion on someone/you, take it with a grain of salt.

I mean, truth is the greatest offender.  I'm sure y'all have nothing to worry about.

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I will be posting again at htmlg as a tribute to the girth of her love.

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Guys, c'mon...


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Cancer, the american dream.

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Shout out to the pussy who internet searched 'who runs weak signal blogspot' instead of just commenting here and asking me.

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This just in... fuck you.

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Perpetual war inside your mind between compassion and utter disgust.

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People who compromise their self-respect/safety for the sake of an ego-serving, insignificant victory, like agreeing to sleep in the bed of a drug-fueled man who openly states his desire to fuck in exchange for a place to crash because visiting a large metropolitan city and socializing is, omg, such a wild dream of theirs, then exploiting the situation by writing a fictionalized story of the encounter to a) shift responsibility from themselves to mitigate the lingering feelings of inadequacy b) garner attention.

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Pick-up line consisting of dropping your jaw and saying, 'jesus... you have the tits of an obese woman.'

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A hallmark of the current generation is knowing absolutely nothing about everything.

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Leaving a legacy that's comprised of an apartment full of key chains and small trinkets shoplifted from various drug stores in los angeles.

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Current trend of male twentysomethings performing a selfish bonehead move, like endangering the lives of others by being engrossed in the digital crumbs on their phone instead of paying attention to the speeding 2-ton boulder they almost drove into you, and passive-aggressively staring as if they just smelled fresh shit, then contorting their face into a pathetic hound dog 'do you like me' expression as you approach close proximity.

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Glorifying your feigned awkwardness as a way of manipulating attention.

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The delineation between thinking you're the biggest hunk of shit in the world and knowing it.

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Pick-up line consisting of saying, 'what the fuck do you know bout that big kanaka.'

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Waking to the smell of barbeque, then realizing there's no food, just armpits.

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Manwich composed from the tears of broken hearted women.

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