People who own perfectly manicured lawns but have never felt soft grass underneath their bare feet.

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People who quote Nietzsche but haven't read any of his books.

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A steel collar and ballerina shoes; nothing else.

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An efficient way to alienate people is wearing mirror-coated sunglasses and staying reticent.

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People who believe they're the 'sum total' of the relationships they keep.

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Increasing trend for effeminate, chubby males to discuss 'relationships' in a hyper, rapid fire tempo with a female confidant while dining in public.

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People who use the phrase 'hip little place' to describe a business.

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Watched a toddler blankly stare at a discarded 'super big gulp' cup that had been yellowed by the sun and ran over with a car tire, then thought, 'yeah...'

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Alternate reality where I can purchase/eat healthy food without crossing over into a bizarre world of trust fund hippies, faux spirituality, healing pyramids, mystical salts and unfashionable hats.

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Geraldo-style expose on why lesbians look so much older than their age.

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Attending a live sporting event to reaffirm your misanthropy and desire for a catastrophic end to human beings.

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People who use the phrase 'dear friend' to describe another human being.

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Pick-up line that's near extinction: 'wow, you... actually have a personality.'

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People who've taken public transportation once and reflect on the experience as the most dangerous event of their life.

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Porno movie consisting of a naked ballerina dancing in the palm of my hand.

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Alternate reality where 'hot pockets' are filled with marinara sauce and the depressive thoughts of alienated girls.

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Watching the spinning tires of a passing semi-truck and thinking, 'seems restful there.'

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Waking from a nap with an intense desire to cum on a woman's endearing face.

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'sadistic kindness'

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Children's book named 'everything sucks, then you're not alive anymore' consisting of a single illustration depicting the sun setting behind an unmoving ocean; with a dedication to untied shoelaces.

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Watched a grapefruit-sized full moon rise over the la river tonight and it was more beautiful than any face I've seen.

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Really excited for the upcoming 'minions' movie.

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When a couple sits next to you at a restaurant/cafe and the man gossips more fervently than the woman.

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That magical day of the year when someone gets shot on hollywood blvd.

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In 2007, I was on unemployment, hadn't taken a hot shower in over a year, temporarily quit opiates and felt hopeless.  I bought books from internet authors and gave them away because I believed in the power of words to keep a human alive during bleak and agonizing circumstances.

It's almost 2015, now I receive a government stipend of a different nature and battle with hopelessness.  I still believe in the power of words; but not all words.

If being alive feels like running a marathon in death valley with a knife wound in your back,

or,

if the voice in your head is your only friend, worst enemy and part-time lover,

or,

 if you have a deep understanding/appreciation of spiders and an intense distrust of human beings,

then, hey, alienated shithead, this post is for you!

I'm buying 3 copies of 'the collected suicide notes of sam pink' and gifting them to doomed creatures.  All I ask in return is a show of effort.  Email me a pic of you making a 'thumbs down.'  There are no other modifiers.  Just that.  And if you don't have access to a camera or are too stricken with anxiety/depression/self-deprecation/dope sickness/whatever to take a pic, then let me know in an email.

I'll do my best to honor any international addresses, however, if shipping is insane I may rescind my pledge.

Here's an example of a 'thumbs down':


Want to make it clear, if you don't meet the guidelines stated above, but send me an email, I recognize that you recognize you're a selfish, worthless cunt.  And when death comes you'll finally know your entire existence as a shit weasel failed to prepare you for what we're all heading towards, which is when you'll understand genuine terror and loneliness.

I earnestly hope anyone participating and not adhering to the guidelines is stricken with brain cancer and departs this world in severe confusion and pain.

-jdean33442@gmail.com

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Dear Something of an Unknown Name,

Could you please use your cosmic magic to intersect my life with a twenty-something (or two) that'll help me feel less hopeless about our shared existence.   This isn't entirely about me.  Like, it doesn't even have to be direct contact.  Just could use a hint if I should cash in or keep fighting to breathe.

Respectfully,

The dramatic guy who's never asked for anything until now.

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Act of humiliation consisting of suspending a naked body from the ceiling of a room lined with mirrors, then playing a looping laugh track.

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Show me the death star of your heart.

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Alternate reality where flowers grow out of toilet bowls.

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Game show called 'who's whine is it anyways?' where 5 twenty-somethings improvise passive-aggressive complaints chosen by audience members and assigned point values based on 'pissy-ness', 'manipulative forte' and 'poor me factor', the winner being awarded with a $5 napster gift card and any title from an alt lit author.

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I don't get 'audrey hepburn.'

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If you describe yourself as a nerd, you're not; fuck you.

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Forum post consisting of a girl writing a 3-paragraph 'confession' about her intense embarrassment for liking something as if it's the worst, most perverse insane shit in the world, then admitting 'fat guys' are attractive and apologizing to nobody/society for being 'weird.'

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Unsure if my armpits smelling like a chuck e. cheese ball pit is a powerful aphrodisiac or not.  Guess it depends on the age of the girl.

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Big love for the poor-ass motherfuckers out there who grew up eating tuna helper like it's grilled lobster.

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Labia has the consistency of grapefruit flesh.

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I will be shutting down my ask.fm once I've answered a thousand questions or two weeks pass without a question worth answering, whichever comes first.

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Exploitation movie consisting of a group of kidnapped CEO's set free on a deserted island and hunted down by a machete-wielding black grandmother named 'pammy.'

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Moment of confusion where I'm unable to gauge if my hand is still stroking beard or has reached chest hair.

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Depression like watching a youtube video of a bottle rocket propelling in slow-motion towards your face.

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Feeling accomplished when realizing it isn't onion rings, but armpit.

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Dance in your cotton panties to this:


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Randomly averting your eyes to a window and thinking, 'almost not here.'

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Feel like the best time for voyeuristic opportunity is from 1am-3am, 6am-7am and 6pm-8pm.

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Neglect is the best form of parenting to raise free-thinking individuals.  I mean, if the children don't die before reaching adulthood it is.

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Blowing an older man in the front seat of a bmw and later lightly kissing your mother's lips to quietly assert that haggard bitch's time is over.

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The phrase 'smug retard' flashes in my mind often while observing people in their early twenties.

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Some stuff you gotta just believe in existing, like wild rose bushes and loving mothers.

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'You get so angry at times that it just makes sense.'

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Sitting alone in a diner and quietly staring at your open hands while hearing laura branigan's 'self control' play loudly inside your mind.

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Never having a voice vs having a voice that's censored/taken away.

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Well, it appears I will no longer be posting at htmlgiant again (haha).

Seems like a genuine achievement to be the first contributor to be banned and the first contributor to be re-banned.

People are so afraid of such small things; it's terrifying.

Revise, revise, revise and enjoy your fear, y'all.

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Smarmy lamedicks who refer to themselves as 'yours truly.'

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