Sleeping behind the fridge; an odyssey.

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Always keeping one pocket filled with confetti/glitter in preparation for a moment in your life truly worth celebrating.

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Screaming 'food fight' during inappropriate times like funerals, orgies, and already established food fights.

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Appreciating flowers only when the sky is gloomy.

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Existential despair like a censored NWA album.

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Pick-up line consisting of circling the point of a knife around a belly button while ear-whispering 'what's your sign, little girl?'

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I'm a handful of questions away from the 1k goal on ask.fm.  If you have anything substantial to ask, now's the time, motherfuckers.  Otherwise, I'm just going to pick random mouthbreather shit to answer and be done with it.

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The naked aggression that blossoms every time I hear a white person refer to their circle of friends as a 'tribe.'

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Existential despair like the bottomless breadsticks at olive garden.

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Happiness like a mall photobooth.

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Moment of defining alienation when a person points at your mustache/beard and asks, 'how do you keep that thing clean?'

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Thoughts and ideas replaced by unending heaviness.

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Almost dying in a car accident and immediately thinking 'damn, next time!'

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Standing underneath a tree during a rain storm and envisioning your disembodied head floating slowly through the black universe.

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Overwhelming alienation that happens more intensely while alone, then when in the shadow of another.

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Feeling the most lonely while in the company of a parent.

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The unsolved mystery of why dogs have huge mouths and tiny assholes.

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Bouquet of daisies with a card that says 'you fucking suck'.

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Life like fish farts in an chinese restaurant aquarium.

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Much love to the person that provided an example of unconditional love for me to learn by.  Without you, I'd have never made it this far or this strong.

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Plucking a blown kiss from the air, clutching it against your heart, then frantically running underneath the moving wheels of a freightliner.

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'Wearing birkenstalks and walking blindly down the rainy street clutching 225$ worth of foreign porn wrapped in a flimsy see-through trash bag: a memoir. '

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Using the ceiling like a blanket and sleeping through the loneliness.

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Having just enough remaining intelligence to realize how intelligent you used to be.

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Seeing a pair of shoes hanging from a power line and thinking, 'if only I could get my neck up there.'

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A superhero like immunity to jealousy that's tied to the belief that every person would ultimately be better without you.

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The body as a suit of armor, but instead of protecting you, it just laughs.

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Flying a kite by attaching a string around your torso and jumping off a roof.

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The days when you ditched school to avoid bullies and wandered to unknown parts of the city, then as an adult, realizing those are the only days worth remembering.

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Being productive only during times of intense sadness.

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Life like a probation officer fingering his nostril on a monday afternoon.

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Never feeling accomplished by anything except the few times stuffed animals were rescued with a motorized claw.

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Speeding into a tunnel with the hope that you'll never exit out.

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Death like a 1970's microwave cookbook from betty crocker.

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Life like a cockroach choking to death on the dead skin of a freshly exfoliated foot.

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The mental battle that comes whenever a knife is picked up and the strong urge to plunge it into your soft throat materializes.

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Boomerang beheadings are making a comeback.

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Stock reply for anyone being bombastic or excited where I grin wildly and say 'I'm happy you're happy for your meaningless achievement.'

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The weightless feeling that comes after an intense wave of sadness breaks.

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The completely justified hatred of bank tellers.

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Perpetually fghting the urge to interject into conversations and say, 'or you could just not be passive-aggressive.'

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Sky blue business card with pink font that says 'unending nothingness is coming'.

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Feeling less alone while watching a movie by yourself in an empty movie theater than when in the company of other human beings.

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The glorious sound of a microscope being turned inward.

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Shout out to all the nipples I have yet to see/pinch/suck.

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Time of year when everyone you interact with asks if you're going,  or have already gone,  to an annual festival where people pretend to be from a harsh ass period in history that resembles nothing like the idiotic joke of live action dungeons and dragons they're engaging in and your consistent response is to intently stare through them as if a leper was trying to explain Chinese arithmetic in German.

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Fighting the strong desire to ask someone 'what the fuck is wrong with you' because ultimately it doesn't matter.

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Recent lazy mouthbreather trend to remark 'same' after hearing/reading another person's experience as if any two experiences could be identical or the effort needed to vocalize the distinction too strenuous or agitating.

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The cemetery is a consistent future once a person begins to question their resolve.

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The terrified body language poseurs exude when confronted with the authentic version of what they're feigning to be.

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The hunt for vegan barbeque sauce: the plight of the modern black male.

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Reoccurring daydream where I flip a light switch, then a monstrous garbage disposal begins to whirr and the entire earth gets sucked down and ground into nothingness.

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Honestly waiting for a trend where men grow out their chest/belly hair, then groom it in some whimsical way, like, only leaving the nipples hairy or something really fucking moronic and anti-masculine similar to that.

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You are the sum total of your 'cutesy' bullshit.

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Heart like a discarded twinkie wrapper floating in a clogged urinal.

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Death like the credits at the end of a late night infomercial nobody watched.

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I hope when I die a large bird of paradise grows from my corpse and the world becomes a slightly better version of itself.

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The perpetual feeling that, regardless of how much effort you've put forth in progressing self-actualization, every social interaction leaves other people emotionally hurt or alienated, and, despite feeling terrible about it, finding the motivation to continue the cycle hoping that one day you'll finally be a complete and psychologically healthy human being who'll initiate a relationship with someone that will end like an episode of 'friends'.

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A more succinct word that defines male anger towards women; not hatred.

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That humorous look of feigned disgust women offer in response to being told you'd thoroughly enjoy smelling their sweaty armpit aroma.

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That special type of internal laughter which comes after deflecting someone's banal insult about physical appearance and who then repeats themselves thinking you're self-acceptance isn't real.

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Recurrent daydream of stabbing my eyes out with a dull knife then seeing the world perfectly.

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Pick-up line consisting of pointing a loaded gun at your face and saying, 'it isn't going to suck itself, girlie.'

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Humiliation glory hole where a chick on the other side just criticizes your dick instead of sucking it.

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Legally changing my name to 'horse fart lover'.

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New insult where I coldly stare at someone and say, 'fuck your face.'

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Slow-motion shot of a woman's decapitated head falling endlessly down a background of pale blue.

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The rehearsal dinner for a wedding is a grotesque parade of emasculation and sadness.

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Doom like a soft breeze flowing through a tattered spiderweb.

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Often simultaneously amazed/terrified to be part of this shared reality.

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Pickup line consisting of using my dick to paint a woman's face like an easter egg, then hiding her body in an abandoned field.

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Fantasy consisting of filling an oversize wooden bucket with heavy cream and cinnabons, then having naked women bob and try to pluck the mall pastries out with their teeth.

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Would like to live out the rest of my life on an abandoned bus in a third world country.

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April Fool's has degraded to 'Lazy Tricks for Mouthbreathers by Mouthbreathers Day.'

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The 'who is you foundation': a non-profit, outreach organization founded by sam pink and myself that sends retired boxers and mma fighters to elementary schools with the intention of providing a learning experience on the importance of being headstrong, avoiding laziness and whining, and staring through a motherfucker and meaning it.

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